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Thursday, May 23, 2013

maybe I should write more ...

I just finished reading a bunch of my daughter's blog posts. I started with just one ... and I couldn't stop. She's an amazing writer. What I like most is that she's real.

I've been missing the joy of blogging the past several months. For a while I got totally caught up in making sure I was posting often enough to keep my blog friends coming back. I didn't want to lose anyone. Bad reason to blog. It got overwhelming. And then ... well, I sort of turned inward and didn't want to share. I knew if I sat down to blog it would be meaningless fluff. I actually love meaningless fluff blogs when I'm in the mood to veg. But it's not what I write. I write about things that mean something to me. I like to write what I feel. And during my of and on hiatus from blogging I've done a pretty good job of filling up my journal. But after reading Brooke's blog posts, I'm missing how it feels to share.
So here's what I'm feeling tonight. sitting on my bed. having just lost miserably to my daughter and her friend with Just Dance 3 (but glad I worked up a little sweat). Sierra leaves for Norway on Monday morning.

She's been in Utah at the Mission Training Center for the past month. It was killer saying goodbye to her there, but now (although I would have it no other way) my heart is ripping apart as I'm silently saying goodbye to her all over again. Norway is worlds away for me. I'm not really good at separation. I cry every time someone leaves. Sometimes I even cry when Azure leaves for school in the morning. I miss people when I'm not with them.

And with Sierra leaving the country, my heart hurts more as I think about Bryan in the Philippines. I miss that boy.

I miss his gourmet cooking even though it cost us a bazillion dollars every time he watched a new episode of Good Eats. I miss being able to turn over all my confusion over electronics to him. I miss his "your momma" jokes and our banter when I'd throw it back at him and we end up belly-laughing because when I'd say it to him I was actually dissing myself.

I miss the time in my life when we were a big family of 7 - everyone still living at home. The 3 little kids would stand at the picture windows waving at the big kids catching the bus. Then we'd spend the day baking cookies, dumping out boxes of McDonald toys, watching Snow White, and just loving each other ... till everyone came home. My house was never really tidy. But I don't care - I cared then ... especially if someone stopped in unexpectedly. Thankfully, though, I knew I was living "the good old days" and I loved my life. So no regrets ... just a nostalgia that is a weird combination of pleasure and pain.
I feel anticipation and excitement. So much on the horizon, and it's all a surprise. I mean - it's a surprise to me. I don't know what's next, I just feel the anticipation. Do you ever get that way?
I feel happy - Azure and her friend, Kelsey are laughing so hard that they sound like a couple of noisy goats. It makes me happy when my children are happy.
So that's what I'm feeling tonight. Thanks for being there, blogging world. It's been good to share again.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad


  1. Denalee I feel so many wonderful things are going to happen in your life. Your children are growing up and able to start on their journey in life - because they had you as not only a mother but a teacher. Girl, you did great!!! Now it's time to get back to taking care of you .... pour a cup of tea and imagine the life you want to live ... Blessings, C. (HHL)

    P.S. great to see your post pop up.

  2. :( Miss you, Mom! Wish I could hear Azure's goat laugh right now ;) Love you!

  3. I'm glad you are sharing, too. I love to read your thoughts. :) It sounds like the winds of change are blowing and I hope with all my heart that they are to your benefit and pleasure. You are a wonderful person and I'm glad I know you.

  4. I don't deal well with separation either, even when it's something good.